The Horrific Reality: Anguish and Misconduct in Shidduchim  – A Demand for Accountability

“Soon by you.” These three words, though often uttered with seeming kindness, are nothing short of a devastating blow to Jewish singles. Each instance is a cruel reminder of the gaping void in their lives, a merciless jab at their deepest insecurities. Singles already endure the torturous pressure of social gatherings, steeling themselves against the relentless barrage of invasive questions and insensitive comments. This constant assault reinforces a suffocating sense of impending doom, as if an invisible noose tightens with each passing day.

Shadchanim (matchmakers), ostensibly pillars of support in this treacherous landscape, can transform into sources of profound harm, inflicting deep, lasting wounds on the very souls they’re meant to nurture.

The Harmful Impact of Insulting Shadchanim

In the eyes of halacha, this callous behavior transcends mere unprofessionalism; it veers into the realm of the monstrous.

For someone claiming to perform holy work to instead crush the spirits of Hashem’s children is a chilul Hashem, a desecration of God’s name of the highest order.

The Talmud equates public humiliation with murder, as the victim’s blood drains from their face. Thus, when a shadchan publicly demeans a single person, whether directly or indirectly, they are, in a very real sense, spilling blood.

The gravity of this transgression cannot be overstated. It is not simply a matter of losing one’s share in the world to come. Rather, it falls into the category of the three most grievous sins for which, our sages teach, one descends to Gehinnom (Hell) and does not arise. This stark halachic perspective underscores the tremendous responsibility placed upon shadchanim and the horrific consequences of their failure to uphold their sacred duty.

It is crucial to understand that such behavior is not a mere lapse in judgment or a momentary lack of sensitivity. It represents a fundamental misunderstanding of the shadchan’s role and a gross violation of the trust placed in them by both the community and Hashem. A shadchan is meant to be a shaliach (messenger) of Hashem, facilitating the divine plan of bringing soulmates together. When they instead become a source of pain and discouragement, they are actively working against this divine mission.

In the most egregious cases, where shadchanim exploit their position for personal gain or intentionally sabotage matches out of spite or prejudice, we witness true depravity. These instances of moral corruption strike at the very heart of the sacred trust placed in shadchanim and demand swift, severe consequences.

For those who have suffered at the hands of insensitive or cruel shadchanim, it’s important to recognize that the fault lies not with them, but with those who have failed in their sacred duty.

An individual’s worth is not determined by the flawed judgments of others, but by the infinite love and wisdom of Hashem who created them.

The pain felt is real and valid, and it is a reflection of the depth of the injustice done, not a reflection of the individual’s value.

A shadchan who belittles, demeans, or dismisses the hopes and worth of Jewish singles is not fulfilling a mitzvah. They are committing aveiros (sins) of the highest order, striking at the heart of what it means to be a Jew and a mensch. As a community, we must demand better. Rav Walkin zt”l told me that every Jewish single must be treated with the dignity, respect, and hope that befits a child of Hashem, a precious soul on a sacred journey to find their bashert.

A Lesson in Human Dignity: The Story of Rabbi Elazar

The importance of treating every individual with dignity, regardless of their relationship status or any other factor, is beautifully illustrated in a story from Talmud Ta’anit (20a-b):

Rabbi Elazar ben Shimon was returning from a study session, feeling elated and proud of his learning accomplishments. Riding his donkey along the riverside, he encountered a man who was extremely ugly. The man greeted Rabbi Elazar, but instead of returning the greeting, the rabbi said, “How ugly you are! Are all the people of your town as ugly as you?”

The man replied, “I do not know, but you should go and tell the Craftsman who made me, ‘How ugly is the vessel you have made.'”

Realizing the gravity of his mistake, Rabbi Elazar immediately dismounted and prostrated himself before the man, begging for forgiveness. The man refused to forgive him until Rabbi Elazar would go to the Craftsman (i.e., God) and tell Him how ugly His creation was.

Rabbi Elazar followed the man, pleading for forgiveness, all the way to his city. The townspeople came out to greet Rabbi Elazar with great honor, as he was a renowned scholar. The man told them what had happened, and they urged him to forgive Rabbi Elazar because of his great Torah knowledge. Finally, the man agreed to forgive Rabbi Elazar, but on the condition that he never behave in such a manner again.

This story teaches profound lessons about the power of our words and the inherent worth of every person as Hashem’s creation. It serves as a poignant reminder that no one, regardless of their role or status, has the right to diminish another’s worth or treat them with anything less than complete respect and dignity.

The horrific reality of misconduct by cruel, malicious, insulting shadchanim does misjustice to all, not just the victims of their venom.

It tarnishes the reputation of caring, warm and encouraging shadchanim.

These few bad apples engender mistrust in the whole shidduch system.

Through collective accountability, we can transform this painful reality into one of hope and dignity.

Embracing Your Intrinsic Value

For those navigating the often-turbulent waters of Jewish dating, it’s crucial to remember: you are a precious creation of Hashem, crafted with infinite wisdom and love. Your worth is not determined by your relationship status or by the opinions of others, no matter how well-intentioned they may be, or how malicious it may be. It’s easy to internalize rejection and start questioning one’s own value. But it’s critical to separate intrinsic worth from the outcomes of dating experiences. Each individual is valuable exactly as they are, right now.

The Sacred Nature of the Journey
In Jewish tradition, it’s understood that before birth, each soul is split in two. The journey to find one’s other half is literally a journey towards wholeness. This sacred journey, reflecting the divine love that underlies all of creation, is holy and should not be sullied by bullies. Hashem is there each and every step of the way, not just paving the road to your bashert, but according to the Maharal, is with you throughout. Hashem does not only makes the shidduch, not only sustains it, but is at home with you!