One Step Closer - Rav Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev's shadchan

The tzaddik Rabbi Levi Yitzchok of Berditchev had a shadchan, who would make shidduch suggestions for his sons and daughters. For every suggestion, R’ Levi Yitzchok would give him a pitak (a coin).

After some time, when the shadchan had made many suggestions and had received many coins, but the suggestions did not work out, he decided to stop going with more suggestions.

R’ Levi Yitzchok called for him and asked: Why did you stop making suggestions when

  1. The inyan itself is a lofty one for it is a “binyanadei ad” (everlasting edifice).
  2. It is included in the mitzva of AhavasYisroel, to try and help another.
  3. Especially when you made money. So why did you stop?

The shadchan replied: What’s the point when the suggestions don’t work out?

R’ Levi Yitzchok said: Even when a shidduch suggestion does not work out, there is a purpose to it. For Chazal say that forty days before the formation of a fetus, they announce Above: “the daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so,” because up Above everything is announced and all Supernal announcements provide life for the angels. Their life-force comes from this, when they hear the announcement they repeat and announce what they heard, and this sustains them.

It is known that the angels are created from the Torah and good deeds that people do, but when the Torah and mitzvos are not done for the sake of Heaven, they lack chayus, and in such cases produce maimed angels, which is why there are blind and deaf angels.

When the announcement is made, “the daughter of so-and-so for so-and-so,” and the angels repeat this, these angels mistakenly change the names and announce other names. Since everything an angel says is not for naught, the people involved cannot easily attain the real shidduch, but have to suggest those names that the deaf angels mentioned and after those suggestions are made, which do not work out since they are not the real match, they ultimately attain the real match. And so, there is a benefit even to those shidduch suggestions that do not work out because through them, one reaches the real match.

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Love At Second Sight - Rav Chaim Kanievsky

Rav Chaim Kanievsky met with an emotionally crushed young man whose face was hideously scarred.

“I can’t get a shidduch,” the young man complained, “every girl who looks at me is horrified.”

Rav Chaim gave him a bracha that his shidduchim should go easier.

“The next girl you go out with, tell her how you got those scars,” Rav Chaim advised. When he met the next girl, before talking about anything else, he told her that he has to explain something.

“I was coming home from yeshiva in the Old City and saw three Arabs cornering a little girl who was obviously terrified.

“I started screaming at them to leave the girl alone, but they turned on me and attacked me instead. I fought the three of them with all my strength, but they had knives and slashed my face."

“The little girl got away, and even after they started slashing me, I fought and I fought and they ran away. They could have easily killed me.

“I tried all kinds of surgery to get rid of the scars but I think it made it worse.”

“I know that I am horrible to look at, but Rav Chaim told me to tell the next girl I met to explain how I got these scars.”

The girl burst out in tears.

Shocked, the young man asked “Why are you crying?”

“I was that little girl.” she cried out through her tears, “You saved my life.”

As she looked him in his eyes, she could only see that handsome young man who risked his life and bravely attacked those three Arabs in order to save her.

Silently she thanked Hashem for ending her tortuous search for her lost other half and they got married soon after.

It was love at second sight.

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Divrei Chaim's Shidduch

The Divrei Chaim, popularly known as the Sanzer Rebbe, HaRav Chaim Halberstam, zt”l (1793 – 1876), was a brilliant Talmud Chacham, Torah scholar, and patriarch of many of the greatest Chassidic dynasties of present day. Even as a boy his fame grew throughout Europe. The most esteemed families sought to have him included as one of their own, through marriage. There was a problem however, a physical flaw which prospective families might not dismiss so casually, he had been born with a “club foot,” which produced an exaggerated limp when he walked.

Though only 16 years old, a “Shidduch” was made with a very prominent Chassidic family, The Divrei Chaim did not agree to meet the girl but allowed her to see him. When the “YingerRav” – the young Rebbe was passing by, she saw him for the first time and he was limping. Shocked, she immediately informed her parents that she would not marry him.

After unsuccessfully trying to convince their daughter to reconsider, her parents informed the father of the groom that this shidduch was off. He too pleaded with the bride to reconsider and when she refused, they had no choice but to tell the “YingerRav” that this was “oisshidduch” that the shidduch was called off. However, the future Sanzer Rebbe was still very interested in this Shidduch and asked that he might speak to her for a few minutes. The meeting was arranged, he entered the room for just a few minutes and when he came out, he told the two families to make the le’chaim.

Years later, after many years of a fruitful and successful marriage, the Rebbitzen passed away. At the Shiva, one of the Chassidim asked the Rebbi, “What did you say to your bride when you met privately with her?”

The Rebbe said that as soon as he entered he cited a mystical statement by ChazaL that “forty days prior to a child’s conception, a decree comes forth from Heaven saying, so and so will marry so and so. Before I was born, my Neshamah, my soul asked to see my Bashert – my predestined wife, when my soul beheld you, it sang because you were so perfect. There was, however, one physical flaw.”

“What was that?” she asked, her curiosity having been piqued.

“You had a noticeable limp; one leg was shorter than the other. I had such pain when I saw this, because otherwise you were the picture of perfection. Knowing that outward appearances play a greater role for women than for men, it troubled me that you would have to live a lifetime with this impairment. Therefore, I asked Heaven if I could be afflicted with this physical imperfection instead of you. Heaven heard my plea. They saw how concerned I was, and they gave me the club foot. I have a limp today, so that you would not, I took it upon myself, so that you would not suffer and if you refuse this marriage because of this hideous disfigurement, please take your foot back.” When my wife heard the truth of these words she changed her mind.

They were married and so began the famous Sanzer dynasty.

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Searching in the wrong places - Chazon Ish

A young woman came to the Chazon Ish crying hysterically that she is in shidduchim for two years and was rejected by everyone.

“What am I doing wrong? Am I completely worthless?” she cried in despair.

The Chazon Ish,in a warm and calm tone, told her the following:

“Suppose you are looking for the Friedman family on Rabbi Akiva Street 100. It is a four-storey building with 8 apartments. In Bnei Brak, there are rarely any numbers on the buildings and if you find the building, the mailboxes are old and rarely have names of the families listed.

“You ask around to find the right building and then walk up carefully the dimly lit staircase.

“Then what do you do?”

“I go to the first apartment, knock, and ask “Is this the Friedman family?” the girl said.

The Chazon Ish continued: “They then open the door, and say, no - it is the Itzkovitz family. Friedman lives on the 4th floor – there are two families – their door is one to the right.

“Suppose you get enraged and start crying,

“Why are you not Friedman? Why?”

“Are you crazy?” the Itzkovitz family says, “why are you crying like that?

“We are the Itzkovitz family! Friedman is upstairs. Go upstairs and you’ll find Friedman. Friedman is not here.“

“In the same way”, the Chazon Ish continued, “those other boys are not yours. Because your zivug is not by Itzkovitz. It is by Friedman. Don’t despair.There are thousands of families out there, but there is only one address for Friedman.”

When it comes to finding your Friedman, he will run to the right address to find you.

This story was recounted by Rav Menachem Stein who heard it from Rav Benzion Feldman who personally witnessed this.

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Rav Aryeh Levine on Who and When

At a vort, of a shidduch I made, a Rosh Yeshiva of Yad Ahron, Rav Wilomovsky, who I am friendly with, as we both davened in the same shteibel in the mornings for years, came up to me and with a big smile on his face, told me that this was not a good shidduch. As he frequently jokes around with me to lift my spirits, I did not know if he was serious – so I took the bait – “Look at them – how they both glow – what do you mean that this is not a good shidduch!”

Rav Wilomovsky told me that his father in law – Rav Zolty quoted Rav Aryeh Levene – that there is no such thing as a good shidduch.

This iconoclast triggered severe self-doubts so I asked – “so what are we shadchanim doing?”

With an even bigger smile on his face he delivered the punchline – “There is no such thing as a good shidduch – only a fitting shidduch – and do they fit!

A few weeks later I bumped into a childhood friend, Rav Benji Levene, the grandson of Rav Aryeh Levene and he told me that his son just got engaged a few days ago. I gave him a warm mazel tov and asked who the girl was. He told me that this son who sits and learns wanted an old Yerushalmi family so the girl was from the Fisher family – a known Yerushalmi family – Rabbonim and Dayonim. In fact, Rav Fisher lived near Rav Aryeh Levene and they knew each other.

At the vort, Rav Ahron Fisher, father of the kallah told Benji that Rav Aryeh Levene was at his bar mitzvah and promised him a present but for some reason he didn’t get it. But now he got it - Rav Aryeh Levene’s great grandson for his daughter!

I asked Benji if he heard that his grand-father, Rav Aryeh Levene said that there is no such thing as a good shidduch only a fitting one and in Benji’s inimitable style of answering a question about a story by telling another story, he told me that his father had a shul in Jersey City, New Jersey. The Chazon of this shul at the time and his wife when in Jerusalem visited Rav Aryeh Levene. They had a daughter in shidduchim. The chazon’s wife asked Rav Aryeh Levene for a bracha for a shidduch for her daughter and that he should be “mit alle maylos’ – a talmid chacham, etc.

Rav Aryeh responded that this is not how you ask.

“So how should I ask?” she asked.

You ask for the right one.

On the street a few days later, this same mother met Rav Aryeh Levene and asked for a brocha that her daughter should find the right one and it should be soon.

Rav Aryeh responded that this is not how you ask.

“So how should I ask?” she asked.

You ask for the right one at the right time.

(Told to me by Rabbi Benjamin Levene, who publicizes Lessons he learned from his grandfather the Tzaddik Rav Aryeh Levene> He aspires to promote his beloved grandfather`s spirit of love and tolerance, and from whom he gets his inspiration, to build bridges between the religious and non-religious since 1978 with Gesher.)

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Chanukah Miracle Shidduch

Unlike other Jewish holidays which are celebrated in part by at least one mandated meal, such as Purim, the Mishna Berura says that on Chanukah something should be added to the regular meals. There are two food related customs on Chanukah, one having dairy, specifically with cheese, to allude to Yael making Cicero sleepy with dairy and cheese, giving her the chance to behead that malevolent general. And there is a custom of having potato latkes fried in oil to allude to the miracle of the oil.

At least one night on Chanukah we like to have some friends over for a very oily meal not limited to just fried potato latkes. This year it was Kentucky Fried Chicken together with fried potato latkes. We invited two friends who happened to be Yismach shadchanim and their spouses and a couple who used to be a neighbor. Turns out they all knew each other over 20 years and were very happy to share the battered fried chicken which would have made Colonel Sanders proud.

In the middle of the meal, the only one not a shadchan received a phone call from a friend who was visiting Israel with her daughter. The friend had made her shidduch over 30 years ago, and wanted to get together while she was in Israel. Overhearing this conversation, I told this guest to please insist that this friend come to join the party, and with some prodding her friend acquiesced. While this friend was on the way our guest (the only one not a shadchan) confided that she went out with 168 boys and this friend who was coming was the shadchan who introduced her to her husband. On the very first meeting she knew that he was the one.

I confided that I also recognized my lost other half when I first saw my wife.

We were sharing shidduch stories when the friend and her 28-year-old daughter arrived. Since they were returning to the United States in a few days, dating someone before she went back was the furthest thing from the daughter’s mind. However, this girl had gone to the kever of the Rebbe M`Zvill on Monday, intended to go the next day Thursday, and was going to miss the following Monday but have someone to go in her stead.

Despite the fact that they said they were leaving Israel in four days, the three Yismach shadchanim at the party (including me) each thought that they had someone for her.

After talking to one shadchan at one end of the table, I asked her to move to the other end so that the other shadchan could talk with her. After I finished making the next batch of KFC, I came back to the table and I had an opportunity to talk with this unique blend of beauty, intelligence, and warmth.

My heart broke as she recounted how difficult shidduchim are for her in America. Over almost a decade in shidduchim, there was only once she met a boy five times, but invariably it was one or two meetings and both realized that they were terribly mismatched. While suggestions are still coming, they are fewer and far between.

I told her that the Chazon Ish was a shadchan and approached it as a mitzvah of returning a lost object and the way he would redt a shidduch was “If I am the shaliach and this is your chefetz – take it.”

When one finds what they lost they recognize it. I pointed out that in this room are two couples who recognized their lost other half – one her mother’s friend, where her mother had been the shadchan and me and my wife.

After talking with her, her mother told me that the daughter is very secretive about the chesed she routinely does and has personal tznius, not flaunting her achievements in career, including life-saving help of several famous rebbetzins. I gave them both my card and asked that they contact me when they get back as I am certain that some possibilities that I know in America could be a fitting match. The daughter told me that she planned to go to the Kotel the next morning, so I gave her the tefillos for shidduchim to say at the Kotel, and told her that until Zos Chanukah heavenly decrees can still be changed specifically by the tefillos of ordinary people.

One of the shadchanim was insistent that her mother meet the mother of a boy she had in mind, and set up a time for the two of them to go to the boy’s mother’s house the next morning. While the daughter was doing her rounds davening at the Kotel and the Z’vill kever, the mothers met with the shadchan and agreed to set up a date for that night.

This girl and boy both immediately felt they had found their lost other half. After the second date, the girl cancelled her flight back to the US, risking losing her job.

She met the boy every day for another four consecutive days and they got engaged.


When she returned home, she wrote me

Reb Neumann!

I cannot thank you and your wife enough for being the catalyst in my meeting my chosson.

(And for that awesome food:))

You were right - when it is the right one - you know!

In my wildest dreams, I never thought such a fairy tale was possible. I trusted what you said that Chanukah night. And what do you know? It is unbelievable. הודו לה׳ כי טוב.

Thanks again for opening your home and for caring.

With much gratitude and appreciation,
The Kallah

When I asked her permission to publish this story, she asked that the names be withheld and added the back story.


  1. A proprietor in Geulah had yelled at me last year that I must be a nudnik. Hashem wants our tefillos so that there may be a relationship. The Imahos were all Akaros for this reason. I had said I wouldn`t want to badger for anything as if it would be good for me, Hashem would send it. He argued I was wrong, and that tefilla can change everything for the good. When I came back to Israel almost a year later, I stepped into his store. He had written my name on his shtender and was davening every day for me.

    On this trip I was not in a good place. The dating situation was making me physically sick.

    I went to the Kosel and davened as I never did before in my life. I really begged. I remember leaving the plaza area feeling so much better. And then the whole Chanukah miracle unfolded.

  2. I had no intention of going to Zvill. My uncle told me I must and that he would go the last Monday for me. I was so moved that he would take that much time out of his packed scheduled for me that I went immediately.

    There is a G-d! I don`t think it is humanely possible to have orchestrated this otherwise. I was supposed to be with my sister for Chanukah, but she insisted she would survive and I should please go to our other sister in seminary in Israel instead.

    There were a lot of `supposed to be`s. Bottom line, the Eibeshter takes care of us. This has been a tremendous lesson to me about the power of tefilla and how Hashem loves us and takes care of us.

Thanks again for opening your home and starting all this. May Hashem bless you and your beautiful family with all the brachos in the world.
The Kallah

From my point of view, from the sidelines, it was the hand of Hashem. Her mother made my guest’s shidduch and now this guest was instrumental in making her daughter’s shidduch.

Look at every decision point in this story and compute the odds, statistically so unlikely to be virtually impossible.

As the Chazon Ish says, these days you rarely see the hand of Hashem, except in shidduchim.

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Chazon Ish Shidduch from Beyond

The Chazon Ish, while not blessed with children of his own, was an inveterate shadchan.

Reb Yaakov Shechter came to the Chazon Ish for advice on a Shidduch suggestion for his daughter. He told the Chazon Ish that while the bochur learns seriously, he found out that during bein hazmain, he has a job. Rav Shechter told the Chazon Ish that he wants for his daughter a boy who is only immersed in Torah learning.

The Chazon Ish asked him: “How about the Ilui from London?”

Rav Shechter never heard about this Ilui but he was very intrigued by the suggestion. As it was close to Shabbos the meeting was cut short.

That Friday Night, 15th of Cheshvan, 5714, the Chazon Ish suddenly was nifter.

At the levayeh of the Chazon Ish, Rav Shechter despaired that that the Chazon Ish’s last Shidduch suggestion, the “Ilui from London” would never come to fruition as it was thrown out without a name.

“If the Chazon Ish suggests a shidduch, it is not something to be taken lightly.”, he thought to himself.
After the hesped, Rav Shechter started to ask around if anyone knew who the ilui from London was. One of the people he asked told him – “You see that tall bochur over there?”

Rav Shechter immediately ran over to him and introduced himself:

“I visited the Chazon Ish Erev Shabbos and he thought that you may be a good match for my daughter.”

“I know” responded Moshe Shternbuch “The Chazon Ish called me to England a few minutes before Shabbos about the suggestion and I am very interested.”

Shortly thereafter Jaffa, the daughter of Reb Yaakov Shechter, married Rav Moshe Shternbuch who is now the head of the Eida Chareidi and who is the Av Bes Din of the Beit Din Tzedek of the Eida Chareidi, and who for decades articulated the chareidi position for the public.

*This story was recounted to me by someone who was a neighbor of Rav Schechter’s granddaughter and this neighbor recounted this to him.

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Travails of the First Shadchan

Eliezer is tasked with searching for the one and only for Yitzchok Aveinu, but Avrohom already knew who it was as he was informed after the Akeida that Rifka was born and Rashi explains that it means he knew that she was predestined to marry Yitzchok.

Much ink has been spilled relaying the odyssey of the first shadchan par excellence. In the story of the first and only shadchan in the Torah, Eliezer the servant of Avrohom, clinched the Aran deal in one day!

When Avrohom came back from the Akeida it says

וַיְהִי אַחֲרֵי הַדְּבָרִים הָאֵלֶּה וַיֻּגַּד לְאַבְרָהָם לֵאמֹר הִנֵּה יָלְדָה מִלְכָּה גַם הִוא בָּנִים לְנָחוֹר אָחִיךָ: אֶת עוּץ בְּכֹרוֹ, וְאֵת בְּתוּאֵל: וּבְתוּאֵל יָלַד אֶת רִבְקָה וכו

Rashi explains: 

בשובו מהר המוריה היה אברהם מהרהר ואומר אילו היה בני שחוט כבר היה הולך בלא בנים. היה לי להשיאו אשה מבנות ענר אשכול וממרא. בישרו הקב"ה שנולדה רבקה בת זוגו. וזהו "הדברים האלה" - הרהורי דברים שהיו על ידי עקידה. 

(רש"י שם (כב כ 

If so, Avrohom already knew who Yitzchok’s bashert was, why did he not tell Eliezer to just bring Rifka? Why did he send him to his birthplace and gave Eliezer all his treasures? And why all the dialogue about what if he does not find her - Avohom could have simply said "I know already know who she is, she is called Rifka the daughter of Betuel."

Everyone must search for their wife although it was already decreed before they were born. As the Gomorrah (מועד קטן יח:) says:

אָמַר רַב יְהוּדָה אָמַר שְׁמוּאֵל, בְּכָל יוֹם וָיוֹם בַּת - קוֹל יוֹצֵאת וְאוֹמֶרֶת, בַּת פְּלוֹנִי לִפְלוֹנִי, שָׂדֶה פְלוֹנִית לִפְלוֹנִי. וְאָמַר רַבִּי יְהוּדָה אָמַר רַב, אַרְבָּעִים יוֹם קוֹדֶם יְצִירַת הַוָּלָד בַּת - קוֹל יוֹצֵאת וְאוֹמֶרֶת, בַּת פְּלוֹנִי לִפְלוֹנִי, שָׂדֶה פְּלוֹנִית לִפְלוֹנִי, בַּיִת פְּלוֹנִי לִפְלוֹנִי, אֵשֶׁת פְּלוֹנִי לִפְלוֹנִי

h (מועד קטן יח:)  

Already when he is taking form, his wife was already tied to him as 

"תַּנְיָא, רַבִּי שִׁמְעוֹן אוֹמֵר, מִפְּנֵי מָה אָמְרָה תּוֹרָה, (דברים כב) "כִּי יִקַּח אִישׁ אִשָּׁה", וְלֹא כְּתִיב, "כִּי תִלָּקַח אִשָּׁה לְאִישׁ"? מִפְּנֵי שֶׁדַּרְכּוֹ שֶׁל אִישׁ לְחַזֵּר עַל אִשָּׁה, וְאֵין דַּרְכָּהּ שֶׁל אִשָּׁה לְחַזֵּר עַל אִישׁ. מָשָׁל לְאָדָם שֶׁאָבְדָה לוֹ אֲבֵדָה, מִי חוֹזֵר עַל מִי? בַּעַל אֲבֵדָה מְחַזֵּר עַל אֲבֵדָתוֹ

Everyone must arrive at all that is predestined naturally, so Rifka had to be "found".

In the apparently over-detailed account of Eliezer the shadchan, there are numerous lessons to be learned. For one, that first and foremost is middos. So why travel so far to find someone with good middos? And why from a particular family?

The Rambam in (בהלכות איסורי ביאה (פרק יט הלכה יז explains that the essential way to know which family is purely Jewish and which one is mixed with those who are not pure is by their character.

.כל משפחות בחזקת כשרות ומותר לישא מהן לכתחלה. ואע"פ כן אם ראית שתי משפחות שמתגרות זו בזו תמיד, או ראית משפחה שהיא בעלת מצה ומריבה תמיד, או ראית איש שהוא מרבה מריבה עם הכל ועז פנים ביותר - חוששין להן וראוי להתרחק מהן שאלו סימני פסלות הם. וכן הפוסל את אחרים תמיד כגון שנותן שמץ במשפחות או ביחידים ואומר עליהן שהן ממזרים - חוששין לו שמא ממזר הוא. ואם אמר להן שהם עבדים - חוששין לו שמא עבד הוא, שכל הפוסל במומו פוסל. וכן כל מי שיש בו עזות פנים, או אכזריות, ושונא את הבריות, ואינו גומל להם חסד, - חוששין לו ביותר שמא גבעוני הוא, שסימני ישראל האומה הקדושה: ביישנין רחמנים וגומלי חסדים. ובגבעונים הוא אומר: והגבעונים לא מבני ישראל המה לפי שהעיזו פניהם ולא נתפייסו ולא רחמו על בני שאול ולא גמלו לישראל חסד למחול לבני מלכם, והם עשו עמהם חסד והחיום בתחלה

ולשון הזה בשו"ע אבן העזר סימן ב ב 

Family has a profound impact on personality development and on maintenance of traits. So, Eliezer is warned not to take a daughter of the Canaanites for Yitzchok.

“לֹא תִקַּח אִשָּׁה לִבְנִי מִבְּנוֹת הַכְּנַעֲנִי"

 לעולם ישתדל אדם לישא בת תלמיד חכם ולהשיא בתו לתלמיד חכם. לא מצא בת תלמיד חכם - ישא בת גדולי הדור. לא מצא בת גדולי הדור - ישא בת ראשי כנסיות. לא מצא בת ראשי כנסיות - ישא בת גבאי צדקה. לא מצא בת גבאי צדקה - ישא בת מלמדי תינוקות ואל ישיא בתו לעם הארץ

בשולחן ערוך (אבן העזר ב ו): 

And in the Gemorah Bava Basra

אָמַר רבִּי אֶלְעָזָר, לְעוֹלָם יִדְבַּק אָדָם בְּטוֹבִים, שֶׁהֲרֵי מֹשֶׁה שֶׁנָּשָׂא בַת יִתְרוֹ - יָצָא מִמֶּנּוּ יְהוֹנָתָן. אַהֲרֹן שֶׁנָּשָׂא בַת עַמִּינָדָב - יָצָא מִמֶּנּוּ פִּנְחָס. וּפִנְחָס, לָאו מִיִּתְרוֹ אַתִּי? וְהָכְתִיב, (שמות ו) "וְאֶלְעָזָר בֶּן אַהֲרֹן לָקַח לוֹ מִבְּנוֹת פּוּטִיאֵל לוֹ לְאִשָּׁה", מַאי לָאו דְּאַתִּי מִיִּתְּרוֹ - שֶׁפִּיטֶּם עֲגָלִים לַעֲבוֹדַת כּוֹכָבִים? לָא, דְּאַתִּי מִיּוֹסֵף - שֶׁפִּטְפֶּט בְּיִצְרוֹ. וַהֲלֹא שְׁבָטִים מְבַזִין אוֹתוֹ, וְאוֹמְרִים: רְאִיתֶּם בֶּן פּוּטִי זֶה - בֶּן שֶׁפִּיטֶּם אֲבִי אִמוֹ עֲגָלִים לַעֲבוֹדַת כּוֹכָבִים, וְהָרַג נְשִׂיא שֵׁבֶט מִיִשְׂרָאֵל? אֶלָּא, אִי אֲבוּהּ דְּאִימֵּיהּ מִיוֹסֵף - אֵימַא דְּאִימֵּיהּ מִיִּתְרוֹ, וְאִי אֲבוּהּ דְּאִימֵּיהּ מִיִּתְרוֹ - אֵימַּא דְּאִימֵּיהּ מִיּוֹסֵף, דִּיקָא נַמִי דִּכְתִיב, "מִבְּנוֹת פּוּטִיאֵל" - תְּרֵי, שְׁמַע מִינָא 

ובגמרא במסכת בבא בתרא (קי.): 

אָמַר רָבָא, הַנּוֹשֵׂא אִשָּׁה, צָרִיךְ שֶׁיִבְדוֹק בְּאַחֶיהָ, שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר, (שמות ו) "וַיִּקַח אַהֲרֹן אֶת אֶלִישֶׁבַע בַּת עַמִּינָדָב אֲחוֹת נַחְשׁוֹן". מִמַּשְׁמָע שֶׁנֶּאֱמַר, "בַּת עַמִּינָדָב", אֵינִי יוֹדֵעַ שֶׁאֲחוֹת נַחְשׁוֹן הִיא? מַה תַּלְמוּד לוֹמַר, "אֲחוֹת נַחְשׁוֹן"? מִכָּאן לְנוֹשֵׁא אִשָּׁה, שֶׁצָרִיךְ שֶׁיִּבְדוֹק בְּאַחֶיהָ. תָּנָא, רוֹב בָּנִים דּוֹמִים לַאֲחֵי הָאֵם

So, if family is so important, why did Yitzchok take Rifka who was the daughter of Betuel (not a nice guy) and sister of Lavan the Evil. 

As a matter of fact, Yitzchok did not want Rifka for this reason and ordered Eliezer to return her to her family. 

Like any good shadchan trying to salvage a shidduch, Eliezer the shadchan said in her defense, “But the waters rose up to go to her” and Yitzchok said that he does not go by signs that this shidduch is משמים – you should have investigated her family. 

Eliezer said “Ok, I will return her to her home tomorrow!”

Yitzchok took her into the tent of Sarah to sleep and Yitzchok saw that the candle burnt from evening to evening like in the Beis Hamikdash and that the challah remained fresh like in the Beis Hamikdash as it was in Sarah’s tent when Sarah was alive. And the cloud was tied to the tent like the cloud tied to Har Hamoriah that he and his father saw from a distance. He was shocked that he did not see any of these miracles since his mother passed and Yitzchok decided then and there that he wanted to marry her.

In the morning, Eliezer came with the camels already saddled and ready to embark on the long trek to take Rifka back to Aram. 

“Give me the girl – I will return her.” Eliezer demanded of Yitzchok to which Yitzchok replied. “I changed my mind – I want to marry her.”

“Too late” retorted Eliezer “I am all set to travel to Aram – see the laden camels tied ready to go?”

To resolve this dispute, they approached Avrohom Aveinu who already knew that Rifka was Yitzchok’s zivug. Avrohom saw the camels readied for a long trip, understood the dispute, and asked Eliezer “What do you want to acquiesce?”

“I want to enter Gan Eden” demanded Eliezer and Avrohom answered, “Ok, I promise you” and so it was that Eliezer, the shadchan, who was the slave of Avrohom, who got his freedom for his service as shadchan – was one of the 10 who entered Gan Eden while alive. 

Hardly a love story but the Torah says that Yitzchok loves her, the first time in the Torah that love is mentioned.

Did he marry her because he loved her? 

Apparently not, he loved her because he married her as it says "וַתְּהִי לוֹ לְאִשָּׁה וַיֶּאֱהָבֶהָ" 

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Yaakov’s Shidduch Tale

Yaakov went to Choron to find a wife “naked and with nothing” because on the way to Choron Elifaz took all of Yaakov’s possessions including his clothing. Yakov found some clothing near a river that was left by someone who drowned in the river.

Imagine Yaakov today’s shidduch resume – bochur yeshiva – penniless wearing only lost and found clothing on his back seeks the love of his life. Someone to build a nation with. 

Imagine Yaakov’s quagmire “How can I now succeed in finding my shidduch penniless?" 

But Yaakov who said to himself לית אנא מובד סברי מן בריי - I will not lose my trust in my creator, but he wondered “From where would I find my helpmate – עזר כנגדו – Where will I find my shidduch -   עזרי?"

Medrash Rabah[1]  brings Rav Shmuel bar Nachman who claims that Yaakov says to himself אשא עיני אל ההרים – not mountains but אשא עיני אל ההורים – my parents. His father’s slave in his search for a shidduch for his father took ten camels laden with riches. From where will I find my shidduch? מאין יבוא עזרי – and he answered his question with the next part - עזרי מעם ה'.

So, he goes on this way and sees some people and he asks? מֵאַיִן אַתֶּם  ?

Coincidentally he uses the word מֵאַיִן and coincidentally they are from Choron and coincidentally Rachel is coming to water sheep at the same place that Yaakov removed a large stone blocking the opening to the well? Coincidence? No מאין יבוא עזרי?   -    עזרי מעם ה'

My עזרי  - (עזר כנגדו)shidduch is מעם ה' 

It was love at first sight – Yaakov kisses Rachel and cries and one of Rashi’s explanation is that he cried because he came penniless.[2]

Breishis Raba then goes on to recount the story of a Roman matron who asked Rav Halfuta, "In howmany days did God createhisworld?" He said to her, "In six days, as is ...”   She said to him, "What does he sit and do now? Rav Halfuta answered “He sits and arranges marriages.” And then the story of her failed attempt in being a shadchan for a thousand of her slaves and maidservants.

In my humble opinion, Rav Halfuta is telling her that creation of the world and everything in it happened in six days but there is creation of another type which is ongoing. Creation is something from nothing – יש מאין 

She is asking: Today, where do we see יש מאין?

And he answered in Shidduchim 

מאין יבוא עזרי

Every shidduch comes from nothing – but the bottom line finding my soulmate עזרי

עזרי מעם ה'

Perhaps, it was not that Yaakov found true love despite having nothing, but he found true love because he had nothing - מאין יבוא עזרי

In abject poverty, Yaakov did not give in to hopelessness because of his apparent helplessness. לית אנא מובד סברי מן בריי - I will not lose my trust in my creator,

He was then worthy of creation - the יש מאין

מאין יבוא עזרי

עזרי מעם ה

[1] רבי שמואל בר נחמן פתח (תהלים קכא) שיר למעלות אשא עיני אל ההרים אשא עיני אל ההורים למלפני ולמעבדני מאין יבוא עזרי אליעזר בשעה שהלך להביא את רבקה מה כתיב ביה ויקח העבד עשרה גמלים וגו' ואני לא נזם אחד ולא צמיד אחד רבי חנינא אמר גדוד שלחו רבי יהושע בן לוי אמר שילח עמו אלא שעמד עשו ונטלה ממנו חזר ואמר מה אנא מובד סברי מן בריי חס ושלום לית אנא מובד סברי מן בריי אלא עזרי מעם ה' (שם) אל יתן למוט רגלך אל ינום שומרך הנה לא ינום ולא יישן וגו' ה' ישמרך מכל רע מעשו ומלבן ישמור את נפשך ממלאך המות ה' ישמר צאתך ובואך 

ויצא יעקב: פרשת ויצא ב 

[2] וַיִּשַּׁק יַעֲקֹב לְרָחֵל וַיִּשָּׂא אֶת קֹלוֹ וַיֵּבְךּ: ויבך. לפי שצפה ברוח הקודש שאינה נכנסת עמו לקבורה. דבר אחר לפי שבא בידים ריקניות, אמר אליעזר עבד אבי אבא היו בידיו נזמים וצמידים ומגדנות, ואני אין בידי כלום. לפי שרדף אליפז בן עשו במצות אביו אחריו להרגו והשיגו, ולפי שגדל אליפז בחיקו של יצחק משך ידו  אמר לו מה אעשה לצווי של אבא, אמר לו יעקב טול מה שבידי, והעני חשוב כמת: 

יא  רש"י 

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The Right One at the Right Time: Maharal’s Shidduch

In the Bes Din of the Maharal, whenever a case came before him which involved breaking an engagement, the Maharal went to extraordinary lengths to prevent any shidduch from breaking up. If the issues could not be resolved, he referred them to another bes din.

What is the back story?

When the Maharal was a young bochur it was eminently self-evident that he was destined to the be a Torah illusionary. A shidduch was made when he was 15 years old and he became engaged to Perela, the daughter of Reb Shmelke Reich of Worms, Germany. Reb Shmelke was very wealthy and promised such a large dowry that the Maharal could live comfortably and learn his whole life and provide comfortably for his family.

He was engaged when he was too young to get married and some years past during which this Gvir lost his entire fortune so that when the Maharal was 18 ready to be married, the Gvir was penniless and on the brink of starvation. The Maharal was contacted to break the engagement. He refused – he would break it only if the girl found someone else who she wanted to marry and who wanted to marry her. 

In the interim, he went to learn in the yeshivah of Premislau. Nicknamed “Reb Leib the Bachur,” he remained single and continued to thrive in Torah learning.

In the meantime, the suddenly penniless Jewish European Princess, took it upon herself to save her family from starvation by opening a bakery. Suddenly this young girl was kneading dough by hand, baking loaves of bread and selling the bread to provide the bare necessities for her family. Year after year she struggled and after over 10 years of this, apparent catastrophe struck.

A soldier on horseback passing by, used his spear and took all of her bread and started to gallop away. She cried out pleading for money as her family was starving. The soldier told her that he was very hungry and had no money. He threw a saddlebag at her and galloped away.

Opening the saddle bag full of gold coins, she ran out to tell the soldier, but he was out of sight. Suddenly they had the money to make the wedding and at the ripe age of 30 the Maharal got married to his betrothed of over a decade.  

It is mind boggling that the Maharal, probably the most sought after shidduch in that generation would not get married. What was he thinking? 

The Maharal’s thinking on the subject of marriage and relationships is encapsulated in numerous sections of his commentary on the Gemorah, חידושי אגדות, such as

In his own words, the Maharal spells out the value of marriage:

ובמדרש (שמואל פי״ג) אמרו שכל הנושא אשה עונותיו נמחלים לו שנאמד ויקח את מתלת בת ישמעאל אחות נביות והלא בשמת שמה אלא כל הנושא אשה עונותיו נמחלים. וזהו הטעם עצמו שהאדם מקבל השלמה וכיון שהאדם יש לו השלמה מסלק דבר זה מן האדם החטא אשר הוא חסרון. ואין להקשות א״כ כל אדם אשר יש לו אשה יהיה בלא חטא, דבר זה אינו רק כאשר נושא אשה אז עונותיו מסולקים כי ע״י השלמה הזאת יוצא מן החטא, כאשר מקבל האדם השלמה דבר זה מסלק החטא

ודע כי החתן שנשא אשה מתעלה אל המדריגה שבה סלוק ההטא. והבן מה שרמז כאן ויפק רצון מאת ה׳ כי מגיע עד הרצון ומשם סלוק החטא לגמרי והבן זה ובחבור גור ארי׳ (סוף תולדות) בארגו ג״כ, כי מפני שקודם שנשא אשה לא היה אדם כמו שהתבאר למעלה. ולפיכך כאשר נשא אשה הוא אדם לגמרי. ואינו אותו אדם שהיה לפני זה ולכך עונותיו נמחלים. וכן אמר (במדרש שם) גר שגתגייר עוגותיו נמחלין. ודבר זה מפני שנעשה אדם אחר. וכן נשיא שעולה לגדולה מפני שמתחלה היה אדם אחד פרטי וכשעולה לגדולה נחשב כמו הכל, וכמו שדרשו ז״ל והביא רש״י בפר׳ חקת (ויקרא כ״א כ״א) על וישלח ישראל כי המלך בעם כמו כל העם, ולפיכך הנשיא שעולה לגדולה הוא אדם אחר ולפיכך מוחלין לו עונותיו. והרי כל אלו השלשה הם נעשים לאדם אחר לגמרי בפרט אלו ג׳ דברים וגם זה נבון. אבל פי׳ ראשון עיקר והוא קרוב אה כאשר תבין

On the gemorah 

במערבא כי נסיב אינש אתתא אמרי ליה הכי מצא או מוצא מצא דכתיב מצא אשה מצא טוב ויפק רצון מה' מוצא דכתיב (קהלת ז, כו) ומוצא אני מר ממות את האשה וגו

ברכות ח א -  

The maharal explains 

אמרי מצא או מוצא  נראה כי בלישנא תליא דאל״כ לא הוי ליה לומר מצא או מוצא, וכי בשביל שאצל מצא נאמר מצא טוב קאמר כך זה לא מסתבר, אבל לשון מצא שאמר שהאדם הוא מבקש ואין אדם מבקש רק טובת האדם אשר משלים את חסרונו, ולכד נאמר מצא אשה מצא טוב שהלשון הוא על האדם עצמו שהוא מבקש את אשר חסר לו והוא השלמתו, אבל מוצא אינו נאמר על המוצא אשה שלו, רק דברי שלמה הם שאמר כי אני מתא בחכמה שהאשה מר ממות. ולפיכך שאל מצא או מוצא כלומר לשון מצא משמע שהזכר מצא ואז בודאי הוא טוב כי אין מבקש אהד רק טובתו, או מוצא שהוא דברי שלמה שאמר מצא אני האשה מר ממות

ויש לפרש ג"כ, בי האדם אם הוא מוצא את האשה עתה ואין ואת האשה שהיא נברת לו קודם היצירה ארבעים יום רק מוצא אותה עתה בי אשתו שהיא נגזרת לו מן השמים (הקדומה) [הקרים] אותה אחר ודבר זה מר ממות, אבל מצא משמע שכבר קודם שבא לעולם מצא את האשה וזה מצא טוב ופי׳ ראשה עיקר

What lesson do we take to heart – search for that one that completes you, that was created before you were conceived, and with whom you have a good connection. The wrong one is worse than death. A good connection with the one who completes you is “good” so make that a priority. All else pales in comparison.

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A Dark Shidduch Tale

A pauper, so poor that he had no money for real clothes and walked around in rags, so poor that he never knew when the next morsel of food would come his way, kept asking his Rebbe for a bracha that he should be rich and the Rebbe consistently refused.

A nudnik is a nudnik.

He finally wore down his Rebbe.

Exasperated, in order to finally get some peace and quiet, late one night, half-asleep  his Rebbe blurted out “You should be the richest in the land.”

It did not take long that he became the richest in the whole country – literally from rags to riches.

It did not take long for him to acclimate to his new high station in life – the ultimate fineshmecker.

He would not touch food not served on the most expensive china dishes or drink from anything that was not from the most expensive Austrian crystal goblets. Food had to be haute cuisine – the most gourmet.

He socialized only with the rich and famous.

His children grew up in opulence, in the lap of luxury.

At some point his only son reached the age of shidduchim.

Every girl the shadchan suggested, he would ask the references only one question: “Is her family in our league?”

Shidduchim did not go well for this boy – no family was good enough and no girl was ever good enough for his son who was tall, handsome, smart, a baal midos, loved to learn Torah and could afford to stay in learning.

When his son turned 23, a wagon ran him over and both legs had to be amputated.

With all the father’s money, no one would marry this boy, with the exception of a girl from a very very poor family. She could not afford a dress but walked around in rags.

With no alternative, he married his only son to this poor girl.

With his newfound arrogance he barged in to the Rebbe’s study at night and demanded to know why Hashem was so cruel to him – to take his only son and have both legs amputated.

The Rebbe unfazed by his arrogance and rage answered, “You are the one who is responsible for your son’s lost legs!”

“What? Me? What did I do to cause this terrible tragedy – to see my son a vegetable – no- worse than a vegetable, a vegetable feels no pain - my son is in constant pain!”

To deflect his anger and distract him so that he can begin to see reason, the Rebbe began: 

“Sit down. Let me tell you a vort from the Maharal.

Sometimes Hashem will take someone who does not deserve it – an absolute rasha and will make him very rich for one reason only – because his daughter is destined to marry a Talmud chacham. Without wealth, no talmid chacham, and certainly no talmid chacham who is a son of a talmid chacham,  would consider her. But now that she comes to the marriage with a dowry enough to enable him to learn his whole life, he is made to be blind to her father’s faults and marries her.”

“What does this have to do with me? Are you calling me a Rasha? Explain!” he cried.

“You do not know cheshbonos shamayim!”

“Don’t you see? When you were so poor you could not afford clothing but dressed in rags, this girl who is living the same way was the perfect shidduch for your son.  In fact, she was his bashert.”

“But No. You had to be rich. You had to become the baal gaiva fineshmecker that no family was ever good enough and no girl was good enough!”

“Had a shadchan suggested his bashert, this poor girl in rags, you would have laughed in the shadchan’s face.”

“So Hashem had to “make an adjustment” so that your son could marry his bashert.”

“A person does not on his own find his bashert. When it says Hashem is busy since the six days of creation making shidduchim, it is not just determining who is for whom. No that was determined before creation. To make the shidduch, Hashem has to turn the world upside down so that he can find her, wherever she is - no ocean is wide enough to keep them apart.”

"Be comforted in knowing that your son found his lost other half. He may have lost his legs, but he is now whole."

"This shidduch, as tragic as it turned out, is from shamayim. And they are married le'shem shamayim. I guarantee you that his children will be tzadikim and talmidei chachanim. They are destined to be gedolim."

"So the question in shomayim will be: 'Are you in their league?'"

This Shidduch story was told to me. I do not have any source. If you know the source I will relay it with corrections. For dramatic effect, I embellished it a little. Ok  Alot!

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You don't get what you get what you deserve!

This tzaddik, Rabbi Leib Slonimar zt"l lived in the time of the Vilna Goan and was known as “Rebbe Leib Tzaddik”. He thought to himself, Chazal said that if one has a terrible wife, he will not face gehennom. Therefore, since I am looking for a match, I will look for someone “good”- a woman that is so horrible that in her merit I will not see gehennom.

He went to the shadchan and said that he is looking for a "special shidduch": a terrible woman with all the trappings: livid, vicious, cruel, stubborn, heartless, and similar “exceptional” midos.

The shadchan was very embarrassed. He was used to people seeking a woman with good virtues. If they had heard anything negative, immediately the match was ruled out. He never encountered a man who was looking for a bad woman... But he thought to himself: This is his prerogative. If it is the will of the righteous who am I to stand in his way!

The shadchan offered him all sorts of proposals, all were malicious women, each one worse than the previous one. But none of them were bad enough. In his heart of hearts, the Tzadik thought he could get a “better” match... 

He went to another shadchan and said to him: It is written in the Gemara "אין אדם דר עם נחש בכפיפה אחת'." I'm looking for a woman like that. The shadchan said to him: I have one like this.  Her reputation precedes her: a cruel, vicious woman who knows how to make her husband’s life unbearable. The tzaddik said: This sounds like something “good” - I will inquire about her.  

He queried neighbors and those who knew her and all said: “Anyone who values his life will stay away! With her, every moment will be excruciating misery without respite”  The Tzaddik said with joy: “'excellent' this is what I am looking for. Thank Hashem that I have found my match.”

The day after the wedding Rebbe Leib waited with patience to hear her berating him, screaming insults, maybe flying chairs…nothing, no raging shouts, not even snide critical comments. She invariably was soft spoken, perfectly polite and treated him with respect. She prepared him a tasty breakfast and after he finished eating, walked him to the bet midrash all the while exuding admiration and publicly showing enormous respect.

He thought to himself: this is how it must be for the first days…everything is just to make a good impression in the beginning. I will wait a few days and see her true colors, but nothing changed. She acted with dignity, respect, honored the tzaddik and unhesitatingly served him with dedication.  He thought to himself: What happened here? I investigated and inquired about her and everyone told about the evil of her heart and her horrible deeds!      

He went back to the shadchan and confronted him: “Why did you trick me?” You promised me a bad and difficult woman and what did you bring me? A woman with nothing but virtuous attributes. The shadchan replied: "I am a very experienced shadchan and generally I conceal the faults of those in shidduchim.  This is part of my job… But in this case, this is the first time that I told the whole truth and did not hide anything."

The tzaddik was astonished: "If so, how is it that the information you gave me about the woman I married is a far cry from reality?" The shadchan replied: “Who knows if because she merited to be married to a tzaddik, this influenced her for good and she corrected her ways…”

The shadchan was curious and approached the woman. “Your husband, the tzaddik was sure that he is taking a malevolent woman and it became clear to him that he made a terrible mistake…”

Said the woman: "What does he think? That he will marry me and be saved from gehennom?"

“I will not give him that pleasure.”

Conclusion: What is decreed by heaven is what will be! 

If he is doomed to suffer, he cannot escape. But conversely, if it is decreed that he will not suffer, regardless who he marries he is fated to serenity and happiness.

A second marriage is according to a person’s deeds.  If the tzaddik is worthy according to his deeds to merit a good life, all his efforts to suffer will not help. 

Everything is a decree from above and despite his best efforts, he will not change the decree - the decree is the truth and all efforts to the contrary is futile. (Story from Dirshu, parshas miketz, Rav Reuven Kalnstein heard this story from Rabbi Feivelzon.)  

        בתקופת הגאון מווילנא חי צדיק מופלג - רבי לייב סלונימר זצ"ל, שנודע בכינוי 'רבי לייב צדיק'. על        
..צדקותו וחסידותו סיפרו מעשים רבים 

   הרעבעצן של רבי לייב צדיק הלכה לעולמה והוא חיפש זיווג שני.חשב לעצמו: 'הרי אמרו חז"ל: 'מי יש לו אשה רעה אינו רואה פני גיהינום',  וכיון שבלאו הכי אני מחפש לעצמי זיווג, אחפש משהו 'טוב' - אשה רעה כזו שבזכותה לא אראה פני גיהינום...' הלך לשדכן ואמר לו שהוא מחפש זיווג מיוחד: אשה רעה עם  
,כל ה'הידורים': כעסנית ורגזנית,  עקשנית
...'רעת לב וכל שאר מידות 'טובות
   השדכן היה נבוך מאוד. הוא רגיל שאנשים באים אליו ומחפשים אשה בעלת מידות טובות. אם רק שמעו עליה איזשהו חיסרון, מידפוסלים את השידוך. מעולם לא נתקל באדם שמחפש אשה רעה ... אך חשב לעצמו: רצונו של אדם זהו כבודו. אם זה רצונו של הצדיק מי  אני שאעמוד בדרכו
   הציע לו השדכן כל מיני הצעות, כולן היו נשים רעות, כל אחת רעה יותר מרעותה. אבל הן לא סיפקו אותו. חשב הצדיק בלבו: 'מן הסתם אפשר להשיג שידוך 'טוב' יותר...' הלך לשדכן אחר ואמר לו: "נאמר  
..."! בגמרא: 'אין אדם דר עם נחש בכפיפה אחת'...אשה כזו אני מחפש
   אמר לו השדכן: "יש לי אחת כזו. שמה הרע הולך לפניה: אשה רעה ואכזרית שיודעת למרר את חיי בעלה. אין פלא שעד היום היא לא מצאה את זיווגה."  אמר הצדיק: "אוהו, זה נשמע משהו 'טוב', אברר עליה. " הלך לברר עליה אצל שכניה ומכריה, וכולם ענו:  "שומר נפשו ירחק ממנה! אצלה תאכל מרור כל השנה..." אמר הצדיק  בשמחה  
!".מצוין זה מה שאני מחפש. ברוך ה' מצאתי את זיווגי"
   למחרת החתונה המתין רבי לייב בסבלנות לשמוע צעקות, גערות ...  אולי איזה כסא מתעופף... שום דבר! שום צעקה, שום גערה... היא דיברה אתו בנימוס ובדרך ארץ,  הכינה לו ארוחת בוקר טעימה . לאחר שסיים את הארוחה, ליוותה אותו לבית המדרש בכבוד רב . חשב לעצמו: 'נו, ככה זה בימים הראשונים... הכל רושם... נמתין כמה ימים ונראה'...   אולם שום דבר לא השתנה. היא התנהגה בדרך ארץ, כיבדה את הצדיק ושירתה אותו במסירות... חשב בלבו: 'מה קורה כאן? הרי חקרתי  
.'!? .וביררתי עליה היטב וכולם סיפרו על רוע לבה ועל מעלליה
   חזר אל השדכן ואמר לו בטרוניה:"למה רימיתני? הבטחת לי אשה רעה וקשה, ומה הבאת לי? אשה כלילת המעלות!". השיב השדכן: "שדכן ותיק אני, ורגיל אני להסתיר את חסרונותיהם של המשודכים . זה חלק מתפקידי... אולם האמן לי, המקרה שלך הוא הראשון   שבו הצגתי את האמת לאמיתה, לא הסתרתי דבר!."  תמה הצדיק: "אם כן, כיצד ייתכן שהמידע שמסרת לי על האשה שנשאתי אינו עומד במבחן   המציאות?". השיב השדכן: "מי יודע ,אולי בזכות זה שהיא נישאה לצדיק היא    
..." הושפעה לטובה ותיקנה את דרכיה
   הסתקרן השדכן והחליט לברר אצל   האשה בעצמה.  בא אליה ושאל: "בעלך הצדיק היה בטוח שהוא לוקח אשה רעה, והתברר לו שטעה טעות
..." מרה
אמרה האשה: "מה הוא חושב לעצמו, שהוא יתחתן אתי ויתפטר  
..." מגיהינום בעולם הבא? אני לא אתן לו את התענוג הזה
   מסקנה: מה שנגזר על האדם משמים   הוא מה שיהיה! אם נגזר עליו לסבול לא יוכל להימלט מכך; אך מנגד, אם הוא ראוי לזכות לטוב הוא  
... ירווה נחת ואושר
   זיווג שני הוא לפי מעשיו של האדם.   ואם אותו צדיק ראוי לפי מעשיו לזכות לאיזו טובה, לא יועילו לו כל   השתדלויותיו... הכל בגזירת עליון,  וכל השתדלות לא תסייע לאדם לשנות את הגזירה - "הגזירה אמת  
." והחריצות שקר -      

 הגה"צ רבי ראובן קרלנשטיין זצוק"ל על ברכות ועל הכל בידי עליון 

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